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The FE-4 also conducted the regular daily support of the MDS (Mice Drawer System) facility by checking its potable water supply and performing a visual Could you read, review, and correct my story? Only part of chapter 1.?
Marie aksed: Dear Journal, 9/20/10
This is my first day in Pennsylvania. I miss Florida immensely. Mostly because the sunlight makes it harder for Them; it makes Them weaker.
My house is pretty nice. It actually has one of those large Oak trees with the swing by my window. So, in the backyard. My house is surprisingly big and has a huge lawn. Not really my style. But I do absolutely love the tree. It's nothing like I could have had while in the Sunshine State.
Well, I love my room. I have already brought in all of my stuff, including my bed. My room had a conveniently raised platform for it.
The real bad parts about this are: 1) More vamps running around, 2) I moved away from all my hopes and dreams at the age of seventeen and 3) I start school at Pocono Mountain High School tomorrow. I don't know what is going to happen, I just know it is going to be something bad. And that i'll see at least two vampires at my school.(at least one will be one of Them) Well, I have to go. Let's hope my brother, Cole, gets here with my car soon.
-Sophia Carterson
I shut my journal and slid it into the drawer of my desk right next to my wand, Yep, I'm a witch. More specifically a half-witch half-vampire.
According to witches code, I am only allowed to tell one mortal outside of my family what I am. No more. And yes by mortal I do mean I live forever. Unless, you know, I'm killed.
But who could ever want to kill an innocent (cough, cough) seventeen-year-old monster? Well, vampires is obvious. The WDA. WDA stands for Witch Destruction Agency. There is also the VDA, which is for vampires. So,I kind of fall into both categories. There is also a WWDA for werewolves, and so on. It is their life's dream to rid the world of us. All of us.
I got up from my desk and got ready for bed. I thought of how ironic it was that my parents, who don't know the secret, got me pajamas with witches on broomsticks on them. The shirt says "Talk to the wand". They have no idea.
I fell asleep worried and uncomfortable.
The next morning felt like a dream. Or should I say a nightmare. I got dressed in my Gothic attire (its a witch thing) and slumped down the broad staircase.
"Good morning Sunshine." My brother teased from the kitchen table. i glared at him, which made him grin even more.
"Where's my car?" I hissed at him. Which I am very good at, due to my vampire-ness. He rolled his eyes and stuck his thumb over his shoulder, pointing to the driveway. For a younger brother he sure was annoying.
"Sophia! When are you ever going to cut your hair! It's almost down to your knees! You look like an over sized chocolate bar!" My mother said sauntering into the kitchen. I shrugged, biting into a breakfast bar. Ooh, peanut butter flavored!
"Hey sis, I don't want to take the 'rents car to the High. Could you drive me?" He asked after my mother had left, he changed his voice to sound all perfect brother like. His big brown, innocent eyes looked up at me. I sighed. I couldn't blame him though. My parents own a rusty green pickup. My car was a black sports car that looked like it had been caught in a game of paint ball. Hey, when you're being chased by vampires as much as I am, you need a cool but fast getaway!
The bad part about driving my brother is that he jabbers the whole way. I was itching to wand and shut him up.
"Hey, what's this?" He asked grabbing my wand from my purse. I snatched it away, but not before he managed to yank off the crystal tip.
His eyes widened as he looked more closely at the black diamond.
"Wow," He breathed. "Nice rock. Where'd you get it?" I grabbed the diamond and stuck it back on. I turned to glare at him.
"None of your business." I growled, which, again, wasn't hard to do since I'm half-blood sucker.
And then, though I hate saying it, we finally arrived at the school. I pushed Cole out his door and ran into the huge building. It had various student paintings on the walls. There were also little red signs telling what each room was. They had an indoor pool!
I quickly found the main office. It was surprisingly cozy. The walls were a light blue and it had green shaggy carpet. There were a few colorful plants scattered around the room and pictures of past principles. The were two other doors in the room, which I guess led to smaller offices or storage rooms. There was one desk. A small women behind the desk peered up at me. She looked to be about twenty-seven with her bright red hair and purple glasses.
"Hello dear," she said, smiling "What's your name Hon?"
"Sophia Carterson." Her eyes lit up. I guess they were expecting me.
"Oh, right! You're that new student! Hold on, I'll go get your schedule and call down your guide." she walked into a side door.
I heard the intercom come on.
"Attention stude
amazondebs answered: I love the main character, already she has a sort of dry humor about her that makes it really easy to read.
The only problem is it has far too much information in such a small space, if you want this to evolve in to a novel I would take out all the stuff that sounds like it's just in their to get the audience up to speed
pretty much this section is the main bit that I would change
"Yep, I'm a witch. More specifically a half-witch half-vampire.
According to witches code, I am only allowed to tell one mortal outside of my family what I am. No more. And yes by mortal I do mean I live forever. Unless, you know, I'm killed.
But who could ever want to kill an innocent (cough, cough) seventeen-year-old monster? Well, vampires is obvious. The WDA. WDA stands for Witch Destruction Agency. There is also the VDA, which is for vampires. So,I kind of fall into both categories. There is also a WWDA for werewolves, and so on. It is their life's dream to rid the world of us. All of us."
by simply saying "I placed my journal next to my wand" the audience know that she's a witch or "I growled at my brother, being careful to hide my fangs" and well you get the idea, never underestimate how smart your audience are and try and avoid spoon feeding them information that the character already knows, let them figure it out for themselves and the story will read much easier. I wouldn't let on too quickly who "they" are either, it was fun not knowing, it's a hook and will make your audience want to read more.
other than that it sounds cool....and that's saying something because I have a serious dislike for anything that involves vampires that are nice lol give me lost boys, buffy and evil vampires any day :)
good luck with the rest, I hope you post some more :)
High res pics and cut sheet at www.internetdesignconcepts.com After shopping for a platform bed with storage I was quickly disappointed. Not only ...
